Hey you all! I am back!! This is my last week of graduate school. Hopefully by this time next week I will be 100% done with all my school work. I have missed being here, telling you my stories of kinship care. I want to thank you all for being patient with me. It was a grind – but we did it!!!
I have been thinking a lot lately about the “F” words – you know the ones, FAIR and FEAR. Today I will talk about fair.
I will tell you the truth I personally believe many kinship caregivers feel – we get days when it is so incredibly difficult to not feel very angry at the parents. I have written about some of those days. It just doesn’t seem fair to have to start over again raising children.
My third grandson was born in March. I was so happy for my son and his wife. Everything went perfect, with no complications. My grandson and I drove to the hospital excited to see our newest family member. Of course, Murphy’s Law would happen. The moment I parked my car, my cell phone rang. I saw the number and knew it was my daughter. ”Why now?”, I thought to myself.
Out of respect for my son, I had not discussed they were expecting a baby. She knew they were, but I just didn’t talk about the details – like which hospital, the exact due date, etc. My daughter asked to speak with her son. Of course, my grandson told his mom he was going to see his uncles’ baby – his cousin! He was excited! He gave the phone back to me, not wanting to talk long. My daughter asked me to take some photos with my phone and send her some pictures. I told her I would not because her brother would not appreciate that. She hissed back, “Well, it’s only fair since I can’t see him”.
I think my brain exploded. Fair! Did she really say “fair”? I mean seriously!
I think every kinship caregiver who is raising a relative because the parents are either addicts, alcoholics, or in jail – which is the large majority of us – would all feel the same shock. It seems like the last person to talk about fairness should or would be the parent.
I know drug and alcohol addictions make it nearly impossible for her to see the truth. That’s how I coped with her statement – and continue to always remind myself. She is sick – physically, mentally and spiritually. She doesn’t understand the impact of her choice of words because she is sick and can’t understand.
Here’s the deal. It’s not fair. Nobody said being a kinship caregiver would be fair, feel fair, or look fair. It’s not fair and if I have the expectation it should be fair, I am only going to struggle. Not her, but me. I don’t want to struggle so why expect fairness?
Let’s face it. Things weren’t fair when we were a kid and we whined to our parents, “it’s not fair!”. Maybe that feeling of injustice carries into adulthood. I hope by now I have the sense to know even though something may not feel fair, it can still be the right thing to do. It’s time to get over the “it’s not fair!”
I am a grandma raising my grandson. It’s all good.
Did you know…….
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